Seeing you again has made me realize how boring I am. I mean, I knew I was boring. I work all the time and don’t go out and all I want to do when I get a few hours of free time is either eat, sleep, write, or watch tv. And occasionally I’ll do laundry, but only when it gets really bad. I’m an interesting person but the life I’m leading right now is exceedingly uninteresting.
I first met you when my life was VERY interesting, at the end of my senior year of college after a series of catastrophic romantic endeavours with real life people who also happened to be good friends of mine. I figured, if I couldn’t make it work the old fashioned way, why not try meeting someone online? And while you can be a little sketchy sometimes, once I set some boundaries and established some privacy, maybe true love really was possible, or at least some flirty conversation. I continued our relationship when I moved back home after graduation, although it didn’t result in any dates. It wasn’t until I visited my alma mater that October that I realized I wasn’t looking to date anyone. On my return home I promptly broke it off with you, threw myself into work, and have had zero love life since. I viewed myself as being “Closed for Repairs,” that I was temporarily shut down but would reopen at some point in the not too distant future.
A couple weeks ago I went back to my former school to see some good friends before they graduated. I also saw some of the key players from my previous debacles that got me out of the love game in the first place. And I was thoroughly okay with it. So when I came home this time, I decided it was time to put myself out there again and to see what was going on in your world. It’s interesting that visiting a place where I was such a social being (versus at home where I am a borderline recluse) was the trigger for me to both break up with you and rekindle what we had. Anyway now I’m trying to get back into it and I find I’ve forgotten how to talk to people, or at least how to talk to you. But maybe it’s simply because I have so little to talk about.
In my mind when I was involved with you a year ago, I was consistently (though certainly not constantly) meeting new people with you, getting to know what you had to offer, and even discovering things about myself here and there. Since we got back together, we’ve only had a few meaningful conversations. Maybe it’s because I’m boring now, or maybe it’s that there are so many fish in the sea, and I shouldn’t limit myself to someone I met online. It’s not about them, though. The problem is really that I’m not interested in meeting people online. I don’t want to go on dates, I don’t even really want to make new friends. I think I am dissatisfied with my (social) life right now but don’t particularly want to put the effort into changing it. I don’t want a potential sig. other to judge me on where I am in my life and so I am shutting the door on that possibility altogether. Let them flock to me when I’m successful and independent and loving life, but not now. You can’t always look your best though, and you can’t stop people from looking when you’re not.
Maybe it’s time I broke up with you once and for all. I’m not interested in actively looking for anyone (although I probably wouldn’t say no if someone happened to find me) and that’s okay. My mind is telling me that my biological clock is ticking and I’d better get on that, but it’s not my own clock I hear, it’s society’s worn-out, dusty metronome, ticking away the same outdated philosophy that a girl in her twenties should be looking to settle down and fast. All around me my peers are dropping like flies, entering “adult” relationships, getting married, having kids. How can a child like me keep up with all that? I feel like I’ve missed the boat, and I’m beginning to realize that the last thing I should do is to launch myself into the ocean of online dating. So OkCupid, thank you. Thanks for showing me that boring is okay, but forcing yourself to have a love life, even a virtual one, is not. We may meet again OKC, but this is goodbye for now.